its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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