Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
