If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
