Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
