battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
