Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
