she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
