ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
