Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
