Are we in a gay sports bar?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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