So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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