I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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