I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
