Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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