I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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