Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I cut my penus on the lid.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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