The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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