Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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