chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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