If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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