i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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