My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
