Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize