please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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