1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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