I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
