I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Randomize
