the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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