I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Randomize
