when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
