Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
