Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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