I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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