After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
