FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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