I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
