how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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