I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
