I'm sorry my penis didn't work
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
