girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
My liver just had a heart attack.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
