my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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