I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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