I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
