I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
