I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
