I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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