cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize