she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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