he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
