I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
