I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
