I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
