I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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