my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
