I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
