Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
