It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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