guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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