Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize