Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Randomize
