how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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