I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
