Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
