watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
People in love make me want to vomit
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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