your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize