if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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