Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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