I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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