After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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