mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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