Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
