true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
